attention game

The “Attention Game” Fiasco

Good afternoon, Mistress Didi,

I am in relationship with my Mistress, and approximately 4 weeks ago, she told me her true feelings for me, there is nothing I won’t do for her, the only exception being, she introduced her male Dom friend into the mix about 6 weeks ago.   Now in the last week, while my Mistress was away, he has messed with my head, and he now believes I’m owned by her and him, he wants me to be his … little daddy’s girl…. This came about when I spoke to him regarding my Mistress, as I’d not been able to get in contact with her for 10 days, then over 4 days of conversations with him, he has told me, “your Mistress doesn’t want a [relationship with you]… those things he has said to me that have freaked me out…

I accept my Mistress’ authority, and will do anything she asks of me, personally I believe this will change the relationship we have built over the last seven months, and as my Mistress has told me, she doesn’t have limits and expects me not to have any either, I fear I will lose her when I try and discuss it with her.  My circumstances are… {way too much info provided not relevant to the issue — suspected fishing attempt}

Respectfully, j.

j,

Way too much info given to get to the point of what I presume your question actually is:

Q: What to do about this dom trying to take over?

ANSWER:

Begins with:

Why were you in communication with him while your Mistress was away and WHY did you not discuss this situation/your discomfort with Her immediately and before contacting Me? ( I gather from your email that this communication with the dom occurred while She has been out of communication with you, but I’m not feeling total honesty here.)

Ends with My answer that will be posted on AskMistressDidi.  I choose to answer you for My purposes to better assist others who are caught up in this same, “lacking mindset”:

your intention is to gain attention.

The “attention game” is ALWAYS useless.  It is completely and only about manipulation of everyone and everything who has glanced in your direction.

you will ONLY:

1) destroy any and everything that is good in your life by disrespecting and disappointing their trust graciously given to you;

2) do everything possible to create a chaotic mess because:

(i) you are addicted to chaos for some sad, form of self-validation; and

(ii) your end-game is to play the victim.

This is a “lacking mindset” because you do not offer anything to grow your relationship with your Mistress; you maintain the environment of neediness, helplessness, uselessness. your purpose is to enhance your Dominant’s life and you can only do this by choosing to take intelligent and respectful action with the goal of creating and being your best.

Now, while I give everyone the opportunity to recognize that We are conditioned from birth to operate from an unconscious agenda, imposed upon Us by Our upbringing, social structures, religious-stuff, etc., I ONLY support you in evolving towards being the best person you can be: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I support your integrity, and that is all.

you had the choice to tell this usurper-dom that you do not feel comfortable communicating with him until your Mistress returns and gives both of you Her permission. That always solves the problem when you are uncertain of your Dominant’s rules. Any Dominant who would have a problem with you taking this action when She has not specifically trained you to do as She desires is lacking as a Dominant – and you should consider any further steps in your relationship with this person. Any other person, Dominant or other, should respect the position you take to respect your Dominant first and foremost – which is the point of being in service to a Dominant.

I give you this: at ALL times, communicate with your Dominant to ensure that your actions are in accordance with your promise and commitment to serve Her/Him.  Secrets ONLY create painful problems that your Karma WILL punish you for – worse than what you believe your Mistress’ punishment could ever actually be.

I strongly advise you to participate in My Superior submissive Webcam Workshop (new dates to be announced very soon) that offers concrete training to ensure that much of the confusion that occurs in the D/s dynamic can be eliminated and your commitment to your submission can be excellent.

To assist you with basic, Fetish Etiquette, I also advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

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Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

whine-shine

Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want

 

UPDATED

Dear Mistress Didi*,

You were unfair to dismiss me…  i tried my best to serve You…  You didn’t give me a chance… [Other whining without acknowledging responsibility omitted.]

‑ “pitty-me” sub

I encourage people, especially Dominants, to pass this on to subs, “wanna-subs,” and others who dare to attempt to guilt You into tolerating their abominable behaviors.

PAY ATTENTION:

I am consistent for a reason: to maintain the excellence of My Domain on My terms and to thwart whining attempts to top from the bottom and other idiot behaviors by manipulative creatures.  The Rules of My Domain are provided to EVERYONE, listed on My websites, and even listed on The DommeSalon™ site so that there are NO valid reasons nor opportunities for irresponsible, whiny, outrage that you do not have what you want — and you never will — not from Me or anyone of value.

I am unique.  I take the time to be as clear as possible by writing My requirements and making them available to EVERY person who desires to be a part of My Domain and I also make My Rules publicly available.  VERY few Dominants do this – why they don’t baffles Me when the practice cuts down on the fakers, shakers, and annoyance makers.  The process I use for My Rules is consistent with how I run My Domain and My businesses.  I seldom, if ever, deviate from this process because it is the deal-breaker when people want to “work their idiocy.”

When your intention is to use a situation to accommodate who you think you are without respect for the situation, you deny the opportunity for growth of any kind and you will always end up being deficient from the same pattern of behavior as demonstrated by your failure in My Domain:

1)  you psyche yourself into believing you are worthy of a situation that thrills you – that you do NOT have in your life, but which you DO want.  Many people see a BDSM movie and, just because they think they are amused by identifyng with a Dominant or get a stirring in their loins from thoughts of being a submissive, they believe that they ARE already this fantasy as a reality. Foolishly, because you know that you’re full of XXXX, you want to believe that I am – though I repeat Myself when I tell everyone that this world and way of being is My REALITY AND MY LIFESTYLE.

I often encounter this scenario with newbie Dominants who, after seeking My counsel and tutelage, get carried away and think they can tell ME how to be a Domme…  What’s worse are the ones who forget their manners and dare to think they can dick-tate the terms of Our relationship to Me (see Confusing Dominance For Bullying).

2)  you RECEIVE AND AGREE to My Rules, which I email to you prior to permitting you to connect with Me for service and you say anything to get moving on your scheme of crazy thinking that I will acquiesce to the ridiculous standards that you are accustomed to with the silly females (and males) in your life.

What always amazes Me is how any of you can think that you are so “special” that I will suddenly NOT maintain the Domain I’ve built and have sustained for the greater part of My life because you popped up wanting the same thing I’ve heard for many years and continue to hear day in and day out.  None of you are ever original; same stupidity, different moron.

REMEMBER:  you want What I Have and Who I Am because on your deepest level, you know that the value given to you by the silly females/males in your realm is FALSE.   you need Me and Mine to desperately try to convince yourself otherwise.   you should be grateful to these silly people and treat them better.  Their delusional love for and about you may be all you have to get you through your life.  While less than what you want and deserve, at least, be worthy of them.

3)  you LIE and attempt to cheat by not honoring your agreement/following instructions and try to shirk your responsibility in all aspects of the scenario.  Worse, you dare to pull a “brat attack.”  I do not see how anyone with an iota of intelligence can think that I will be guilty for NOT accepting your choice to be inferior.

4)  Soon, you realize that you’ve dug your own grave because, again, I HAVE WHAT you WANT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I graciously gave you the chance to step up and show up to be worthy of what you want and you failed.  That recognition of your reality is going to eat at you for an eternity.  Why?  Because:

  • you maintain delusions of believing you are greater than you will ever be because you do NO work to be better;
  • you will always be inferior because you are lazy and ludicrous; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and, therefore, will fail in your goals by either doing a half-azzed job which will result in ineptitude or by not realizing them at all.  you will remain a loser.

5)  When you fail in your pathetic tirade to Me, you run to any and every loser who will gobble your maligning tales against Me like the toxic, gluttons they are.  you will then foolishly believe that you found your niche and a “community” where you can live out your fantasies. The only thing you will find are others who mirror your inadequacies.  your reputation will become known by Quality Fetishists and humans, who will shun you.  The more you associate with slime, the faster your lack of value will be noticeable by those who actually have what you desire.

Think of it this way:  puss starts small and expands –> gangrene –> amputation –> discard of the useless appendage –> beauty marred and functionality impaired –> life sux more and is harder.  

IMPORTANT NOTE:  This analogy is meant to connect a personality defect to the physical level for better conceptual comprehension.  If you are a soldier who lost a limb(s) honorably, NO ONE OF VALUE will consider you less beautiful and definitely not less functional because soldiers are miraculous people who CAN do anything.  Remove your greatness from anyone who does not appreciate you.  This is why it is so important for Us to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, VOTE FOR Veteran Benefits, and pay attention to who/which pundits do not (always the same creatures who want to send everyone else’s children to war).

While there are a lot like you, there is only one Me.  you will quickly be replaced by those who are always waiting in line to serve Me and those who follow The Rules are always granted sanctuary in My Domain.  Those who enact the mediocre behaviors that define you will join you in the world of sleaze, greed, and irresponsible dangers parading as fetishists in the world today.

Summary

  • you are delusional in your views of yourself and when given the opportunity to indulge in what someone else created that you want, you refuse to do any work to be worthy of it;
  • you lack respect for what you want and those who have created it and you lie, cheat, and attempt to defame when you fail; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and you will remain a pathetic loser.

AGAIN, I advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

http://partydomme.com/images/ReadMyNewsletter.gif

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

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Rejection

Dear Mistress Didi*,

i’ve done everything to make a particular Domme accept me for service and She said no.  I can’t understand why and not knowing what else to do is really bothering me.  i’m going to see Her this weekend at an event and confront Her.  Do You have any advice for me?

‑ notta quitter

Dear notta quitter,

Whenever you are rejected, remember 3 things:

1)    Trust that there is something (or someone) that is right for you;

2)    Look at rejection as an opportunity to learn from the experience.  Ask yourself these valuable questions:

  • How do you feel?  Angry, belittled, despondent, etc.?  Negative feelings are indications of what you feel you’re lacking in yourself.  All too often, We can set Ourselves up for let-downs because We are placing Our self-valuation on another person’s response to Us.  In other words, you are defining your worth based on another person’s treatment (acceptance) of you.
    .
  • Why do you feel this way?  Be honest.  Looking for the answers to this question will show you the covert, manipulative thoughts that are your hidden expectations.  Most of the time, your reaction to rejection is based on the fact that you can’t have the fantasy you created in your head.  There are no guarantees in any relationship.  All things must be agreed to and worked on with integrity.
    .
  • What qualities do you really desire to have in your life?  This question is important to determine not only what and why you want to be in service (or be in any situation), but what type of person (or situation) you are willing to commit yourself to having in your life.  Yes, commitment is paramount.  No Quality Domme wants to put the effort into training you to Her liking for you to do a half-hearted job, even at failing.  Failure ALWAYS occurs when the idea of service in your head has no relation to the reality of actually doing anything to serve.  Dedication must be the fuel for your desire in order to achieve your goals.  When you know the type of person or situation you want in your life, only then can you make the proper commitment and be worthy of having Her or it.
    .
  • What can you do better next time?  Never give up your search for the right Domme and, many times, you must deal with trial and error.  But each experience will teach you something about yourself IF you are willing to learn instead of playing the make-wrong-game.

I have provided a most valuable and complimentary service to The Community to educate folks in Fetish Etiquette because I detest the lack of grace and manners that abominate The Scene.  Download My Complimentary, How To Present yourself To A Mistress Guide (which is also an excellent tool for Dominants to use as a resource) and READ IT.  I highly recommend that Dominants refer prospective subs to read it as a primer.

Now, I’ve taken the time to write the guide and I’m even offering it for FREE.  I refer ALL to read it and I measure the worth of a potential submissive based on how s/he approaches Me.  It is always clear whether or not a person reads My guide.  It is a very useful tool for measuring a person’s dedication from the very beginning.

3)    Let it go.  Don’t be an annoyance; respect the rejection and move on with your life.  Do not harass and definitely do not become an idiot-stalker – get a life!  And be responsible for your life.  The longer you hold onto things that are obviously NOT for you, the longer you will stifle the achievement of your goals. If your paths cross, be polite and say hello, and leave it at that.  If you find yourself continuing to fixate on a situation that has been made clear is NOT for you, seek professional assistance because there is definitely something wrong with your way of thinking that will only cause you grief and trouble on a variety of levels.  Choose to be healthy and well mentally, physically, and spiritually.

You must understand:

1)    It is a Dominant’s prerogative to accept and/or reject anyone She wishes from Her (or his) Domain.  She does not have to give you a reason and it is often best not to know Her reasons.  Sometimes, a Domme is looking for something specific and most will outline Their requirements in Their web pages and online profiles.  It is probable that your skill set, etc. does not meet what She is looking for and nothing more than that.  Spending time trying to figure out why another person does whatever they do is a waste of your time.  I am the type of Dominant Who definitely tells you why I reject/eject you from My Domain with the purpose of you (1) making improvements to whatever caused you to be rejected and (2) assisting you to not waste any more of either of Our time and to find the right Dominant for you.  However, not every Dominant is like Me.

2)    The sad truth is that the VAST majority of “submissives” are not truly submissive at all.  Basic manners, paying attention to requirements to apply for service to Us, reading information about Who We Are and What We Want, and everything that should be common sense and courtesy are usually ignored because most people are only interested in their kinks and fantasies of how they want Us to serve themSee “submissive vs. substandard.”  Did you follow instructions when you applied for service to Her?  Or were you in a hurry?  Did you even read the information She provided for you to understand what She wants and how She wants it?  Or did you just lust over Her photos?  We really do have better things to do than deal with time-wasting-energy-thieves, which is why We take the time to write Our requirements for all to read.  As I’ve mentioned, I require all potentials to read My Etiquette Guide and I immediately know if they did or didn’t – which significantly saves Me precious time and energy.

3)    Also, if you approached Her with your kinks, you can bet that you’ve turned off a Quality Domme.  Unless the person is just in it for kinks herself, the Domme will want all of the fabulous fanfare and protocol that is part of the definition of Fetish as a Lifestyle.  And, if She asks you to tell Her about your Fetishes – like I do – be certain to be as cordial as possible.  Don’t address Her like you’re talking to one of the boys or to a sex worker – even if she is a sex worker.

When you find yourself stuck – for example, fixated on a person or situation; stuck in a rut or dead-end job – it is a sign that you are not facing fear that is controlling you.  Being stuck is literally an inability and/or refusal to move forward, which only holds you back from fulfilling your desires.  The feeling of being stuck is not just emotional, it is also physical and can result in symptoms like constipation, indigestion, headaches, and issues with the lower back, legs, and feet.  The best way to get over a useless situation is to get on top of a useful one.  Do something useful for yourself to shift your mindset from having a sense of loss to gaining perspective, experience, etc.  Exercise, learn a new skill, take a class, read a book, etc.  As the expression goes:

Backwards never forwards ever.

Good luck.

P.S.: April 4, 2014:  Here’s a great video from Kute Blackson: Overcoming the FEAR of Rejection!

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

http://partydomme.com/images/ReadMyNewsletter.gif

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

2

How To Move Forward & Strengthen From Crappy Relationships

Special Valentine’s Day Consciousness Preparation

While new INTENTIONS were made with all those resolutions, this New Year the focus is on your commitment to following through. In other words, what are you truly committed to?  That WILL be your result.  

The pressures of Valentine’s Day ARE real and torturing so many people whether they’re in relationships or not.  Maybe that’s why My inbox has been inundated with requests for advice relating to bad relationship endings and obvious needs for endings.  So, this post addresses How To Move Forward and Strengthen From Unhappy Relationships.  Trust Me; I am not only speaking from expertise as a Behavioral Therapy Life Coach, I’m speaking from Personal Experience.

 *****

Dear Everyone,

Here’s what I will share with you to strengthen the validity of the advice I’m giving in this post: I am a “Love Adventurer!  I NEVER give up on Love and I thank every being in My Life who has been of value by showing Me how I was not loving Myself by being in a relationship with them.  I use the term, “relationship” to mean everything from romantic to business to casual associations.  I have been friends with, dated, and been in serious relationships with some “doozies” and the experiences of them in My Life will make a great Sci-Fi story!

I know not to throw away the good that people have offered to My Life because of the negatives they’ve been dismissed for.  Otherwise, I lose the experience I gained from them having any value in My Life and that diminishes the quality of MY Life experience: past, present, and future.  I’m always saying, “make them useful.”  The politically-correct version of that same concept is to find the value to appreciate in each person.  Here’s how:

The Secret to any and every relationship ending – whether it’s a love relationship, a job, an attachment to a favorite sweater – is your perspective.

You shall be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
– Romans 12:2, The Bible

Whenever We have a crappy break-up, We feel torn down.  Due to Our “conditioning” (social, religious, political, etc.), We go into “suffer mode.”  This is a tool of lizard-brain thinking that sets Us up to whine, which creates a cesspool of chemicals in Our bodies that dis-empower Us and set Us up for failure, self-abuse, and constant negativity for the lizard-brains to feed on.  For example, you’re heart-broken and moping around, the gossip ensues and fuels your humiliation (self-abuse), you become reactive and then have regrets with wishing you coulda-woulda-shoulda, and the toxic experience drags you further down into the vortex of negativity. (See How To Deal With Relationship Gossip)

NOTE: It doesn’t matter if you believe in “energy” or not; there is scientific evidence that supports the effects of thoughts and emotions (how We interpret energy) on Our physical bodies/health.  Some people even invite disease into their lives from maintaining poisonous perspectives – and poisonous habits.

This process WORKS.  As with all things, you have to work it.

The following behavioral modification process is also a Training Technique for successful D/s experiences.

1.  Be AWARE of your thoughts.  Awareness is the key to change and to success.  Notice where you feel tension in your body when you think such thoughts.  Pay attention to (1) what triggered those thoughts, (2) your train of thoughts, and (3) the responses in your body.  The more you are aware of the dynamics of your process, the more you will be able to identify what triggers your feelings, habits, actions, etc.  Becoming aware of your mind-body connection is the most important aspect in identifying and enhancing your ability for self-control.  No matter what the circumstances are, being aware of what holds you prisoner to misery will shift you from stagnation and going nowhere to opportunities to create “better” in your life.

It is very important that when you become aware of a (thought) feeling, that you “have your feelings” – which means to honor that you feel that way.  However, have your feelings, don’t be ruled by them.  Feelings can be irrational motivators for behaviors you will regret when you do not consciously choose what you want to create.

VERY IMPORTANT TOOL: To disrupt a toxic habit, thought, etc., use The Tapping Solution in conjunction with Steps 3 and 4 below.

2. Stop playing “the blame game.”  Placing blame on others or yourself only creates stagnation and further decline into unhappiness because you place judgment on the situation.  Reality is subjective.
It (the situation) is what it is, period.  Your perspective – a.k.a., conscious choice of beliefs – creates “your reality.”  A perfect example of this concept is how a group of people can witness the same event and each one will have a different description of what happened.

So, while you’re feeling abused, experiencing guilt, berating yourself, detesting someone, it does not serve you to dwell on WHY things happened.  WHY is a useless question that supports the blame game and no matter how much you contemplate the WHYs of a situation, it will get you nowhere (stagnation).  You can never know why someone did something because many times, there’s a good chance that the person doesn’t know why himself due to his own lack of awareness and the fact that people lie to avoid personal responsibility.  And, logically, how will knowing WHY change anything?  You will still need to do whatever is best for you to learn from the experience and move forward in your life.  Insisting on needing to know why is just a trick to convince yourself to avoid your own, personal responsibility to let go of your attachment to coulda-woulda-shoulda.  You have the opportunity to be greater than you have ever been before by stepping up your personal responsibility instead of falling down into despair.

If you find yourself stuck in playing the make-wrong game, chances are that you are defining yourself as a victim and that never leads to any good.  No one can break your heart without your permission.  While the experience of giving your trust to someone who does not appreciate it – and who may even abuse it – totally sux, it is your attachment to how you wanted them to receive your trust (love, care, etc.) that hurts you more than they ever could.  In other words: how you wanted the situation/person to be instead of accepting what was available to you in truth is what causes you the greatest pain.  Contemplating what coulda-woulda-shoulda been is a disservice because, in reality, it could not have been any other way than the way that it was because everyone (including you) and everything was only able to be and do what they were in the moment.  Remember: it is what it is and your interpretation is what frees you to a greater self-love or imprisons you in self-defeat.

ToolsForgiveness; Keeping Cool With Karma

NOTE:  Understand that Forgiveness does NOT mean that you should forget; it means to (1) let go of your decision to be “bent out of shape” about the situation and (2) choose to learn how to Be Better from having had the experience.  If you forget, you may create opportunities to have to learn the same lesson again… and again.  The major part of all lessons is changing your relationship with yourself in relation to the experience.  In other words, who and how do you want to be: a winner who is empowered in your life? or someone who focuses on loss = loser.

3.  Define your goals; what do you want?  All too often, people are taught and maintain the practice of focusing on the negatives.   In other words, they answer the question with what they don’t want – which does not state what you do want.  Focusing on the negatives conjures up sensations and subconscious attention on what’s lacking, including a lack of personal power.  And focusing on negatives usually does not help to reveal what you do want.  Also, focusing on negatives invokes fear and you attract what you fear because what you focus on expands.  Only when you are clear about what you want can you create it.

Tools: Domina101™ Workshop Preparation; Feel Good & Empowered: Practice Gratitude because when your mind is in a positivity space, you create empowered action.  See also Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work?

4.  Create a new trigger to conjure empowering thoughts to take empowering action.  The point of creating new triggers is to take control of your automatic response system via your awareness and conscious choice.  There is a wonderful NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) technique called “anchoring” that creates a “resourceful state” by conditioning a physical action to achieve the desired state.  In other words, when you become aware of defeating thoughts and actions, you can immediately change your state: how you feel, think, behave, etc.  Anchoring is, literally, cultivating the ability to snap out of it and be proactive!

Here is an excellent tutorial on creating and activating anchors.  Use anchoring in conjunction with The Tapping Solution.

More Tools: Tips To Remember Your Value to easily identify empowering, personal triggers to anchor your desired states.

NOW…

Are you experiencing resistance to what I’ve presented above?  Take this opportunity to practice awareness and notice your thoughts and what you’re feeling in your body.  Is your chest tight? jaw clamped? face pinched up? breathing shallow? throat locked?  Just observe without judging yourself.  Now, breathe into the restriction in your body and exhale with a relaxing and releasing sigh.  OWN that release and anchor it.

As Tony Shaloub as MONK would say, “Here is the thing:”

You have to want to move on.  Yes, it’s scary, but FEAR = False Experiences Appearing Real.  Yes, you will love again (unless you choose to be a coward and constipate your emotions and experiences).  And maybe you will have another heartbreak (from having expectations, but that’s another topic).  However, what are your alternatives?  To be a whiny, self-defeating, bore who will inevitably attract another person to disappoint and devalue you because you’re doing exactly that to yourself?

(Of course, there are too many people who define themselves by misery, trauma, and anything and everything negative and defeating.  While misery loves company, even other miserable people seek to get away and stay away from these folks.)

The choice is yours.  I always ask Myself: what do I want to say about My Life at the end of My Life?  I want to say, “That was fantastic!”  And I always ask Myself – especially when crappy situations occur – what do I want to feel about My Life right now?  I want to feel, “What an adventure of Being Better than I’ve ever been before!”  A Fantastic Life is created in the process of the journey.   You cannot have a journey if you remain stuck in one place, thought, etc.

The choice is yours.

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

http://partydomme.com/images/ReadMyNewsletter.gif

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

slap

Boring Need For Attention With Criticism Masked As Polite Conversation

This post is a Domain Maintenance tip on calling people out on “covert behaviors” that they attempt to mask with fake pleasantries.

October 30, 2013

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

Are there not other charities that care for unwanted animals that are equally deserving? I personally find myself donating to several and have recently arranged to purchase the back cover of the [NAME] Shelter Calendar for my beloved Standard Poodle – – – who thinks that she is a Dom!

[Identifying information omitted]  On another subject, I regret not getting to NY as often as I once did. I would quite happily be a regular at your events.

harry

 *****

Dear harry,

I have no idea who you are.  So, while your email has the appearance of having lovely content, you begin with a “question” that is a criticism of My choices of charities — as if any charity work could possibly be less valuable than another.  Then, you appear to be fishing for compliments for your charitable work.

your question is like asking: Are there not diets and exercise programs that work for healthy lifestyles while the majority of Americans are obese? and then, promoting your junk food, cookbook.

See how that works?  Is your intention for Me to dislike you immediately?  Or just a pathetic attempt to top from the bottom of the barrel?

(NOTE: Before anyone wants to attempt to pull the “I’m-anti-fat-people-card,” I chose an easy example to make you think and feel on a personal level to better understand the concepts I share.  Remember, My experience is the other side of that coin with LOTS of folks-going-out-of-their-way-to-be-bitchy to Me because I’m FIT.   I’m Pro-Healthy, period.)

And, you regret not getting to NYC to “happily” be a regular at My events… as if that possibility would be your choice.

So, the ultimate point is: what do you offer to make you worthy of My time and attention for contacting Me?  you did not share anything; you just wanted to feel special in your own mind.

Fortunately for you, I choose to look for people to offer Me beauty and enjoyments.  This is why I make what could be perceived as a snide, need for negative attention useful to Me by writing this post for those who choose to receive value from My offerings.  And why I offer you complimentary awareness training for success in the World of Dominas.

If you truly wish to be happy in The Fetish Lifestyle Scene, take advantage of My generosity and My desire to raise the level of The Scene from sleaze and read My Ask Mistress Didi* Blog and download My FREE ebook on Fetish Etiquette.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

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Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

Happy New Year Love Me Recipes 2014

Update: 1/4/14

I actually created this Mantra at 12:01 on 1/1/14, so I choose to share with you today:

I am Changing FEAR to FIERCE: False Experiences Appearing Real to Fabulous Intentions Experienced as Real & Creative Excellence!

Happy New Year!  Live The Dream in 2014!

I add today’s post as a bonus to My Kwanzaa 2013 Inspired Gift Series.  Every technique that I have given in this Series is a “recipe” for Self-Care and Love: what I term, “Love Me Recipes.”

Before I offer some more of My Love Me Recipes, I am going to recap the gifts I’ve already shared:

Day 1, Umoja, Unity:  My contribution for Umoja and strengthening Unity with the worthy people in My Life are 2 posts about 2 Universal Principles: Forgiveness and Practicing Gratitude

Day 2, Kujichagulia, Self-DeterminationTips to choose how you want to evolve to BEing Better than you’ve ever been before by ACCEPTING YOURSELF.

Day 3, Ujima, Collective Work & Responsibility Tips for creating smooth cooperation with back-up.

Day 4, Ujamaa, Collective Economics I offer examples of ventures I’ve introduced for The Community to inspire you to in your efforts.

Day 5, Nia, Purpose: Tips and step-by-step resources to find your purpose and create your happiness.

Day 6, Kuumba, Creativity: Tips to fight boredom and stay focused and inspired.

Day 7: Imani, Faith: Tips to remind you that YOU are the Creatrix (or Creator) of YOUR REALITY by CHOICE.  Therefore, the greatest faith you can have is in yourself.

I believe that it is Our duty to be as beautiful and as pleasant as possible in the Way We Present Ourselves to The World.  This is best achieved through Self-Love & Care.  So, below are some of My Physical Love-Me Recipes that help Me to feel fabulous and look it, too!  These recipes are quick, easy, cost-effective, and excellent for everyone, so, gentlemen, make Us happy to see (and touch) you, too!

EVERY recipe I’ve listed below is part of My regular, Love Me Pleasure Regimen.

Baking Soda Magic

The benefits of baking soda are incredible!  From hair and body care to a myriad of home care and improvement uses, baking soda is one of the most cost-effective and beneficial products you can keep in your home.  A brand name, baking soda is not necessary to achieve the benefits.

Tooth Whitener, Gum Toner & Bad Breath Cure

One of the things I find most disgusting is bad oral hygiene and revolting, stink breath.  I immediately dismiss people from My presence for these offenses not just because they offend My olfactory system, but because there is always a guarantee that their lack of attention to their bodies will offend Me in the future.  Smells trigger memory and cognition actually influences perception, so there’s one good point for the notion that first impressions are lasting.  This recipe not only fights gum disease, it safely whitens teeth and freshens breath.  Your smile is one of the nicest and first things that people notice about you, so have a white & pearly one!  Twice a day:

  • 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda
  • a pinch of salt
  • 5-10 drops of hydrogen peroxide

Form a thick paste and brush your gums and the gum line with a soft toothbrush (to prevent scraping tooth enamel), rinse.  Also, gently brush your tongue.  See Top 10 ways to fight bad breath.

Soft Facial (& Body) Scrub

Depending upon the season, I combine a variety of ingredients with baking soda to make body scrubs and bath recipes.  Here are a few of My favorites:

Gentle Exfoliating Scrub for bath and showerMix 3 parts baking soda with 1/2 part salt (for example, 3 cups baking soda with 1/2 cup salt) and store in a water-proof container (plastic soup containers work great).  Soap up your body (I recommend using a glycerine soap), pour a palm-full of mixture into your hand and mix with a few drops of water to make a medium-textured paste.  GENTLY rub your body from head to toe.  Rinse, dry, and apply moisturizer.  During the winter months, I may add a drop of virgin olive oil for extra moisturizing and to slough off extra-dry skin cells.   Use 1-3 times weekly.  You can also use this recipe as a daily foot scrub —  and by all means, get pedicures and take care of your feet!

Bath Balm:

Mix 1 cup of baking soda with 1 cup of salt (regular salt is fine) to a warm bath of water.  Soak for 15 minutes (or more) and gently wash from head to toe with a bath sponge (or scrungie).  Rinse, dry, and moisturize.  I soak in the tub with candles and lovely music (classical, jazz) playing and I make this MY TIME FOR ME.  You can also add herbal teas (I often use teabags to avoid extra clean-up) for desired affects, e.g., chamomile and/or lavender for relaxation before bed for better sleep; vanilla for instant mood boost; lemon for an energy pick-up, etc.

Baking Soda Face Wash:

1facial-goodFor a glowing complexion and healthy skin, My favorite facial wash is with a thin paste of baking soda.  I cleanse first and do an extremely gentle scrub with approximately 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda mixed with enough water to make a fine-textured, thin paste.  Using circular motions and avoiding the delicate skin around the eyes, I use only the fingertips of My middle and ring fingers (which are designed to perfectly fit the contours of your face without stretching your skin) to GENTLY massage My face.  Rinse with warm water, pat dry, and moisturize.  Repeat 1 – 2 times a week.  If you notice a burning sensation, you are probably rubbing your skin too hard.  However, see tips in the article below.

Baking Soda Facial:

1man_with_a_facial_maskThis article is quite excellent in explaining the how-tos and the why they work:

Using Baking Soda As A Facial Skin Cleanser by Beth Janicek

Learn How To Use and Apply A Facial Mask and try 15 Easy Homemade Face Mask Recipes That Work.

Chillout

Lately, people seem to be experiencing a lot more stress…  So, here is something natural, wonderful, safe – and you can even use it for your pets: Rescue Remedy (Bach Flower Remedies).  This mix was created to deal with emergencies and crises. It can be used to help us get through any stressful situations, from last-minute exam or interview nerves, to the aftermath of an accident or bad news. Rescue Remedy helps us relax, get focused and get the needed calmness.  While you’re on the site, definitely take a look at the full line of 38 remedies.

The Tapping Solution

Please NOTE that I swear by this technique for Myself and it totally works for Me and everyone who chooses to work it. It is a physiological-neurolinguistic technique that you can learn in less than 4 minutes (see video). There is an accompanying book and a movie, both of which I found value in, but you don’t need them to get started and achieve immediate results.  This technique interrupts psycho-kinetic patterns (conscious/subconscious-physical) that create chemical responses in Our bodies which We interpret as stress, fear, panic, confusion, depression, etc. The technique then permits you to re-pattern your response by identifying and acknowledging your process that triggers the negative responses.  With practice and choice, you can trigger positive chemistry, emotions, and responses.

So, check out The Tapping Solution. There is a link to a YouTube video where a lovely, young lady walks you through the technique in under 4 minutes. You should notice immediate results.

Now you can really enjoy your Self-Love Reflection practice!

Remember, Pleasure is the key to creating with joy and ease.  When you feel good, you look good, and do good works!

See Related Posts at the bottom of the page.

Here’s to BEing Your Best!

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
Mistress Didi*

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

http://partydomme.com/images/ReadMyNewsletter.gif

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

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Day 7, Imani, Faith: Gifts from Me Inspired By The Kwanzaa Tradition

Day 7: Imani, Faith

December 26, 2013

For the next 8 days, I will give you gifts (including some of My Beauty & Wellness Secrets) of My Creative Expressions inspired by the Principles of Kwanzaa!  Why?  Because (1) gift-giving is one of My Fetishes and this is a series of special posts to address many questions I receive about maintaining your wellness: Mind, Body and Spirit; and (2) this venture is part of My continuing gifts to improve the state of the Fetish Scene (and beyond) today, which, as with all things, begins and ends with each of Us.  So, I give you opportunities to expand your awareness and education, and to enjoy being creative!

The Kwanzaa tradition was founded in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga who created a uniquely, African-American and Pan-African holiday which is celebrated from December 26th through January 1st. Kwanzaa is related to many African celebrations of the first harvest.  (Read more on Holidays.net.)

 *****

11Today, the seventh day of Kwanzaa’s Principles is Imani (faith): Believing in our people, our families, our educators, our leaders, and the righteousness of the African American struggle.

Pronounced ee-MAH-nee

Symbol: Zawadi (zah-WAH-dee) are Kwanzaa gifts given to children that will make them better people. The gifts should always include a book, video, or other educational item that will educate and inform the child. There should also be a gift know as a “heritage symbol,” something to remind the child of the glory of the past and the promise of the future.  Note:  There are 7 Symbols of Kwanzaa.  I have included them in no specific order.

Where is your faith?  Is it in something or someone outside of yourself?  I have learned that Faith, Love & Happiness MUST begin and end with Self.  YOU are the Creatrix (or Creator) of YOUR REALITY by CHOICE.  Therefore, the greatest faith you can have is in yourself.  (Note for all the religious-tizzies that got triggered: God[dess] helps those who help themselves; read your Bibles, etc., whatever you subscribe to.)  When you believe in and enhance yourself (strengthen your self-confidence), you create the path for all things and energies to support you.

People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of…  And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.  - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

In My late teens, someone really ticked Me off by saying: To see what you want, look at what you have right now.  I got (and stayed) in a huff, annoyed with this person (who was actually a wonderful Teacher), and stopped talking to him because I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell Me (the follies of youth).  This type of reaction often happens when We are presented with a Truth that We don’t want to accept personal responsibility for.   We prefer to play the make-wrong game because that’s easier than doing any work on Ourselves.  So, I went through life avoiding the notion of how what I have in My life is a reflection of what I believe about Life and The Universe.  I’ve finally learned that:

How I see The Universe is exactly how The Universe will be for Me. – Dr. Ellie Drake

However, just becoming aware of a Power Concept is not enough.  We have to do the work to implement the power into Our lives.  Doing the work doesn’t have to be difficult; We can create with joy and ease.

Pleasure is the key to creating with joy and ease.

So, the best way to approach creating what We want is to make the process pleasurable.  The easiest way to experience pleasure is to feel good about yourself: mind, body & spirit, which work inter-changeably.

Feeling good about yourself ~> self-confidence ~> faith in yourself.

11I experience a great and pleasurable, faith-builder when I affirm Myself with My reflection (not limited to what you’re thinking).  While some folks will jump on the make-wrong bandwagon and call this vanity, I am aware that the way We see Ourselves defines how the world treats Us because We are tuned into those inner vibrations reflected back to Us from the outside world.  For example, why is it that you can receive several compliments, but the one criticism is what you play over and over again in your head?  Contemplating this type of self-reflection is difficult  because while I continue to commit to living in Beauty & Joy, I have to contend with the  lizard-brain thinkers who are so committed to their own self-loathing, that they try to disrupt My Peace – and everyone else who is living well and choosing to be happy.  So, I often ask what I’m feeling and thinking to attract these creeps who dare to attempt to invade My Domain.  In this way, I use their ugliness to strengthen My commitment to Beauty & Joy and to BEing My Best – I make them useful to see how I can love Myself better.

Speaking of lizard-brain thinking, check out this amazing (short) presentation by Spoken-Word Champion Prentice Powell: The System:

Back to using My (and your) reflection as a tool for affirmation:  We are conditioned from birth that to be self-loving is conceit by the same people (and institutions) who want Us to praise and admire them, usually for no valid reason.   These influences then tell Us to be unique while punishing Us for not conforming to mediocrity.  So, while you’re supposed to feel good about yourself and present your best, you’re not supposed stand out and be vain.  This is confusing and painful on a mental, physical, and spiritual level because it creates stagnation.   The only things that thrive in stagnation are toxic to your health.

Since this is the ONLY body you have, life you have (that We actually know of), time you have to experience greatness, you really need to LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.  EVERY opportunity to feel good about being who you are should become a celebrated and repeated practice.  You must continuously repeat positive and empowering practices in order to recondition a lifetime of habits designed to disempower you.

The following technique will help boost your confidence, help you feel more comfortable around people (especially jealous creatures), and improve your attitude because when you feel good about yourself, life is good!

Self-Reflection Love Technique

1.  Place a mirror in every room where you can see your face clearly.  Each time you catch a glimpse of yourself, smile and give yourself a compliment and/or say, “I love you!”  Life is always better with love and best with self-love.  How you feel about and treat yourself is how others will feel about and treat you.

2.  Have at least one photo that you like of yourself in a nice frame in every room.  Whenever you see your photo, remember why you like it (how you look, what was happening, how you felt when it was taken, what you’re wearing, etc.)

3.  Make a list of how you feel good and/or want to feel good about yourself.  Write items on post-it notes and place them on/near mirrors, photos, wherever you will see them.  Be kind in the way you speak to yourself.  (See How to Turn Limp Affirmations into Mantras for Success!)

4.  Create a “catch phrase” to affirm the good feelings your have about yourself.  One of My phrases is, “Go, Diva!” which I share to encourage and acknowledge other people, too.

Note: Beware of people who don’t have mirrors in their homes.  This is a sure sign of self-loathing, low-self-esteem, and a lack of self-awareness.  I once briefly dated a guy who had no mirrors in his home and had the nerve to obsess over how I looked and to be upset with the compliments I received!  People who don’t appreciate themselves cannot know how to appreciate you in all of your fabulousness.  Since they are too cowardly to build themselves up, they will, inevitably, try to bring you down.

The more you offer yourself love and encouragement, the more the world will reflect that love and encouragement to you and fewer unworthy folks will be able to come onto your path.  This is how EpicuresNYC Private Members Fetish Club continues to grow with folks who are absolutely the best people I know and who I am proud and honored to have in My life!

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More resources:

How to Build Self Confidence (with really cool graphics)

Building Self-Confidence, Preparing Yourself for Success! (and more goodies at Mind Tools)

3 Ways To Strengthen Your Faith in Yourself and Your Journey by Ollin (very nicely done!)

The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.
― Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness

See related articles at the bottom of this post.

Here’s to BEing Your Best!

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
Mistress Didi*

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

http://partydomme.com/images/ReadMyNewsletter.gif

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.