This post is in response to a letter about a situation that may “out” the parties involved, which is why I choose to omit it. They know who they are and, hopefully, this article will help them evolve to their true greatness – beyond the limitations of stories they tell.
There is a philosophy that souls are born to learn lessons and that your duty to the Gift of Life is to evolve into being the best you can be on all levels. I subscribe to this philosophy and by practicing Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Checking In With Myself to respond to situations rather than react to them. My ultimate concern is always My Karma.
We live in a world that is contrary to logic and Natural Energy: everything is set up to make you wrong so that someone can be less than their best and exert power over you. From the time that We’re born, society, religious structures, family, and educational institutions teach Us that it’s better to damage people, places, and things than it is to admit that We are wrong. This twisted habit yields selfish creeple who do not apologize, who engage in sabotage, who cast suspicions of their own emotional immaturity and nefarious intentions on others with the insistence that everyone is as treacherous as they are – because if that were not true, they could not be right while doing wrongful things.
People will always look to make others wrong to avoid (1) facing their feelings about themselves, (2) facing their bad behavior and taking personal responsibility for it, (3) making changes, and (4) apologizing for anything — especially for offending you. Many go so far as to offend you and then insist on being offended that you dare to be upset and/or call them on it! Some people become screaming accusers, attempting to defame your character to every- and anyone they can wrangle to listen. This is an epidemic on antisocial sites where trolls and gossips gather to be ugly. Others pick specific people in your circles to plant seeds of their victimhood and the more sympathy they get from the greedy gossips they carefully choose, the more they can be seen as martyrs.
The Martyr Syndrome is a setup to avoid facing one’s true feelings about who you know you really are whenever faced with a discrepancy in who you want to believe you are. Martyrs want to believe that they are generous, kind, and caring and that everyone else is out to take advantage of them. Martyrs appear to be popular because they always create audiences to tell their tales of woe. In truth, they have few friends because they don’t know how to receive the kindness and care that they want to believe they are capable of giving. They suspect everyone else of the avarice within them so they must accuse others before they’re found out and accused.
You can always catch a martyr in high form when they make a mistake. In the panic that they will be perceived as negligent, unprofessional, devious, [insert appropriate adjective here], they invent offenses done to them by the very people their actions have offended. This is a sign of extreme emotional immaturity and, usually, poor upbringing to believe that as long as they can create a feeling of being offended by those whom they have actually offended, they are “pardoned” for their own wrong-doings. Martyrs will go so far as to repeat their “offended stories” so many times that they even suppress all memories of their true behaviors that sparked them to work the syndrome in the first place. Even in the face of proof that they are liars, martyrs will ignore it in this moment, and repeat their lies at the next opportunity they have a captive audience.
The Martyr Syndrome is a sure sign of low self-esteem. Even people who are very accomplished have feelings of failure and martyrs attempt to mask their feelings of unworthiness with the illusion of doing good deeds. This is not to say that amazing people like Mother Theresa was not sincere in her work, but how many Mother Theresa’s do you know compared to people who work the Martyr Syndrome?
Signs of The Martyr Syndrome
The conversations of people with The Martyr Syndrome:
1) Allude to how they generously take care of family, friends, associates – as if these people should be indebted to them, but they would never look for anything in return. This is a setup in martyrs’ minds that they are capable of giving without expecting something in return – the opposite is usually true. In fact, martyrs are usually unable to receive in one way or another;
2) Always regale how they do favors for people who abuse their kindness somehow – especially when money is involved. 2 considerations: (i) While they love money, they don’t want to be seen as greedy and (ii) they believe that “business” associates will be hooked to believe in their integrity by the stories of how their profits and opportunities for prosperity have been thwarted. Martyrs count on the dynamics of their tales of woe so that they will not be questioned or asked for proof of their story’s validity; and
3) Give “martyr performances” in groups and to people they believe will contribute to damaging the reputation of the person they have offended. Not only do they gain pity-party attention, but they can achieve their true goal: to belittle the character of the person they offended to insist to themselves that (i) the person they wronged is not a good person; (ii) they are not at fault for any wrong-doing (real or imagined) and/or they are justified for the wrong-doing and character maligning; and (iii) they “sucker people in” to fortify their false persona of being a “good person.”
How To Handle The Martyr Syndrome
1) Pay attention to the conversation for the elements mentioned above. This is not to say that heinous creeple have not offended folks – anyone reading this has been a victim, even if you are the creep. Once you hear the patterns, be on the lookout for being their next pity-party subject. Martyrs also have a victim-story every time you speak to or about them – whether they’re telling the story or someone else tells a tale when their name comes up in conversation.
2) Put everything – yes, everything – in writing when making arrangements with everyone. This is a good practice to back up what is understood, clarify what is not understood, and prove negligence. Sadly, very few people honor their word.
3) Attempt to communicate (in writing) when they begin their “martyr performance” setup – which is “being offended” by you. Most martyrs prefer to talk about you than to communicate with you. When you have things in writing, you have proof of who is actually the creep should you need it.
4) Forgiveness, Gratitude, Pity & Karma. Utilize these tools because they will save and improve your life on all fronts!
a) Forgiveness is not for the offender; it is for your peace of mind. Being offended is a form of h8tred and like acid, it destroys the vessel that contains it. (For those smart-alec friends, you are not glass!)
b) Make the best use of pity and compassion. Having compassion and pity alleviates your own disappointment and annoyance of having to deal with The Martyr Syndrome. When you consider how sad it must be for a person to be so trapped in a lack of self-love that they have to create a psychotic episode in order to avoid facing their truth, you can also be grateful that you are not suffering with the same affliction.
c) Be grateful that this person showed you who-what-how they are so that you do not make a bigger investment in dealing with them. I usually set up a little “test run” situation to see how people behave when given opportunities and to see if they are worthy of doing important “business” with them.
d) The Law of Karma can (sort-of) be trimmed down to a quick definition of what you do comes back to you multiplied along with The Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do to you). I have also been advised that Karma is how you care for yourself (how your actions in your past affect-your present-affects your future – can you sleep at night?). I always do My best to act in accordance with the highest for My Karma. So, knowing that My actions with someone working The Martyr Syndrome is not about Me at all – it is their reaction and dedication to avoiding facing the truth about their own self-worth – I can forgive, have gratitude for the lesson I’ve learned, and move forward to better choices, better people, and BetterFetish™!
Another note: give yourself plenty of time to “get over yourself” because for all of the awareness you may have about the situation, unresolved anger will most likely surface should the martyr do what-they-do in your future. I’ve found that My best cure for the problem is to avoid dealing with the martyr until I have not only released My anger, but I can completely let the person out of My life with no emotional attachment whatsoever should their commitment to their martyrdom be more important to them than My friendship. I deserve better friends.
If you’re suffering from The Martyr Syndrome, you may find, “How To Overcome The Martyr Syndrome” valuable.
Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.